


I want love (on my own terms)

by Evil_Keshi



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alec Lightwood Has Anxiety, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Barista Magnus Bane, Friends to Lovers, Journalist Alec Lightwood, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-11 13:42:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20154538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evil_Keshi/pseuds/Evil_Keshi
Summary: 5 times Alec goes on a date that doesn't end well + 1 time he gets a date that means everything.





	I want love (on my own terms)

**Author's Note:**

> This might be my most personal piece as of yet and I'm not sure what the result is worth but I do hope you'll like your reading. Title taken from Elton John's _I want love_. Warnings: a bit of internalised homophobia in date I, attempt at non-con kissing in date III and a few spoilers for the movie _Rocketman_ in date IV. Yes, I'm in an Elton John mood.

  


I.

Alec goes on his first date when he's sixteen. Her name's Lydia and she's in his class at school, where she smiles at him every time they pass each other in the hallways. She braids her hair and she smells like flowers and sunshine, she's not shy like most movies picture teenage girls with a crush and she doesn't blush when she asks him out.

_He_ blushes but says yes. He doesn't even understand why he accepts, to be honest, but he knows that Lydia is smart, that most of his classmates would kill to be in his shoes, and so he guesses the logical thing to do is to beam at her and agree on that date, four o'clock in the afternoon on Saturday. He has to fit in. Dating a pretty girl seems like a good idea.

It is not.

They meet at a little coffee shop not too far from school and order hot chocolates and cupcakes. It's the middle of November, the days are shorter and rainy, so sweetness and sugar are what they need to face the dark, depressing afternoon. He nibbles on his cupcake. His stomach is heavy with the weight of his secret and he's not sure he'll drink his hot chocolate to the last drop. He might be sick. He can already feel his pulse echo in his ears.

Alec's hand is damp around the warm cup of cocoa with a mountain of whipped cream on top. As he stares at the white fluff, his mind wanders, to snowy valleys and ski resorts under the sun while Lydia's voice turns into a background sound, not unpleasant but not important either, just like the music you distantly hear in a restaurant and only pay attention to when you've ordered dessert and it takes too long to come.

Alec bits his lip when he realises that he's supposed to listen to her, not just hear her, and he requests a second cupcake for Lydia. He doesn't apologise out loud for his lack of attention, she doesn't ask him to, and Alec wonders whether she's too nice to make him uncomfortable or she didn't notice. Either way, he feels miserable and it's not even her fault. He shouldn't have said yes.

He had to though, or else his friends would have asked questions - she's good-looking, which seems to be all that matters to them, and he's sixteen. He's supposed to go on dates with a girl, kiss her and fall in love, so he'll be married to her by the time he's twenty-five and a dad at twenty-six. _Society's expectations_, he hears Izzy's voice in his mind. He doesn't have to take them as rules.

Alec pays for the both of them, because that's the logical thing to do. He walks her home, because that's the rule. Their hands brush, and that's on purpose. He holds Lydia's hand. That's what his friends would have done. Maybe they would have tried to steal her a kiss but the mere thought of their lips touching makes him break into a cold sweat and he has to let go of her hand and pretend he's got something in his eye so he can wipe his palm on his pants afterwards, as discreetly as he manages to. He can't do this.

He doesn't want to lie any longer, pretend to be someone he's not, feign interest when Lydia clearly deserves someone better, someone who will appreciate her for who she is and won't wish that she were a boy.

"I had a great time," she tells him on the threshold of her house. "Maybe we could do this again?"

Did they go on the same date? Alec was an utter disaster as soon as he walked into the coffee shop... She can't really want more of that, can she? If she does though, he feels even worse for tricking her. Alec really hopes her parents aren't home or, if they are, that they can't hear them: he doesn't want to break Lydia's heart at all but even less so in front of her parents. He knows some people wouldn't care, would only consider their own feelings or lack thereof, and tell her bluntly that there won't be another time because they don't want to, don't want her, don't like her enough. Alec doesn't want to hurt her, though.

"We could," he says, and hates himself when she flashes him a happy smile, "but Lydia, listen, it... it wouldn't be as more than friends. I... I'm gay."

It's the first time he comes out. Izzy and Jace know but he never told his siblings as much, they just... understood. He's horrified when tears well up in his eyes and he has to wipe them as he wheezes with a sniffle. Lydia is silent in front of him.

"I'm sorry," he says, because he is, damn it, if he could just change himself, be a ladies' lover like his dad thinks he is, "I'm so sorry... I..."

"It's okay," Lydia answers softly, although she sounds shaken as well, her mouth turned down with a sad grimace. "Thanks for telling me."

She closes the door. Alec wasn't in love with her, didn't have any beginning of a crush on her and still, he feels his heart shatter in thousands of pieces.

  


  


II.

Sebastian Verlac seems nice enough, Alec thinks as the young man sits down in front of him, a smile on his lips and a breeze in his sandy hair, messy and ruffled by the wind outside the bar. He doesn't know him but he's the friend of a friend of one of Izzy's friends and his sister has talked to him before - twice, then she decided he would be the perfect match for Alec.

Alec who threw up in anxiety before he got ready for this date, considered cancelling at least ten times so he could study for his finals instead, before he told himself to man up and not disappoint his sister.

At least, he guesses, this time he doesn't have to tell his date that he's gay.

"Isabelle told me you were good-looking," is the first thing Sebastian says to him, his tone suave and appreciative, "but she didn't tell me just how much."

Alec flushes and wishes he'd already ordered something to drink so he could hide behind his glass. He doesn't know what to answer that won't make him seem like an idiot - _You too_ sounds forced, only polite and insincere. _Thank you_ then? No, he's not fishing for more compliments. He doesn't know how to take them, when they're so blunt and unexpected.

_ __ _

God, he hates going on dates.

Sebastian smiles at his shyness, apologises for being too forward. Damn it, he is nice. Still, Alec can't relax, although he manages to answer the young man's questions and tell him a bit more about himself. No, he doesn't work yet, he's in his last year to, hopefully, get his dream job as a journalist. Ah, yes, he lives on his own, in a small flat not too far from university...

Alec makes up a roommate though, scared that Sebastian's question hides something more. Does he plan on walking him back home and asking to come inside for one last drink, hoping it will turn into something that involves gymnastics and a bed? The roommate is a good excuse, he guesses, to make him understand that they wouldn't be alone.

Sebastian hasn't said as much but Alec is pretty sure that his intentions aren't just to go out with some random dude who happens to be one of his friends' friend's brother. He's looking for more than that, maybe a relationship or even some sort of understanding on a sexual level, and all the unspoken expectations make Alec's skin crawl. He doesn't feel good. He wants this date to end and he's kind of mad at Izzy for throwing together something like this - maybe she meant well, wanted to get him out of his comfortable bubble but didn't she realise that her brother would feel trapped, forced to be on his best behaviour so Sebastian wouldn't go to her with complaints?

Maybe he's just being stupid. Maybe Izzy thought they would get along - and perhaps they could, if Alec didn't feel so pressured. Even if they got along though, Alec knows it wouldn't go beyond friendship. It doesn't matter that Sebastian looks gorgeous when he smiles and it doesn't make Alec's heart flutter or miss a beat when he realises that the other man shares similar music tastes. It's not that he doesn't care at all, he just... doesn't want to find out whether they could work together, as a couple. He doesn't even want to try. Sebastian is not the one and Alec still feels sick.

"I had a great time," Sebastian tells him at the end of their date, and Alec is willing to bet he's ready to grab his hand and try to hold it for a while. "Maybe we could do this again?"

Alec nearly laughs but holds back his amusement-slash-hysteria just in time. This is exactly what Lydia asked him all those years ago, before he had to confess to her that he was gay. Well, it won't go any better this time.

"Why not," he starts with some hesitation, hiding his hands in the pockets of his jacket so he can curl his trembling fingers in a fist unnoticed, "but just as friends, maybe? You're really nice but I don't... I'm not ready for more."

There. Clear and gentle, isn't it?

"Oh," Sebastian mutters, not looking at Alec anymore. "Okay. Well... Good night, I suppose?"

"Yeah," Alec whispers to Sebastian's already-retreating back. "Good night."

His stomach settles down, the tight knots finally loosening. The man didn't mention anything else about going out, not even as friends, so maybe he wasn't that interested in him anyway. Alec is actually relieved. He can breathe again.

  


  


III.

"Some more coffee?" Magnus asks somewhere above Alec's head.

The journalist looks up, smiles when his friend nods at the coffee pot in his hand and glances back at Alec's empty cup.

"No, thanks," he says, "I probably had enough already."

"Pretty sure you did," Magnus answers, then glances at the other patrons in the coffee shop and when no one waves at him, he sits in front of Alec and puts the pot down, at a safe distance from the stacks of sheets that surround him. "Are you getting any closer to the end of your story?"

"Actually, yeah," Alec tells the barista, his smile turning into a grin, "I'm almost finished. Just some more fact checking to do and I think I'll definitively be done with it."

Magnus hums, happy for him since he knows Alec has been working on this specific subject for a while, paying attention to every little detail, searching deep for the answers and information he needed. He also knows that Ragnor, Alec's boss, has been breathing down his neck to get the final article done in time for a week now, so he realises just how tired the young man must be.

Magnus is used to stressed-out reporters, as his little and comfy coffee shop is located just in front of Ragnor's and his team's office building; when it gets too much to work in the middle of constant noise, phones ringing and people yelling to know _who the fuck_ got rid of the hundreds of post-its that decorated the windows and held precious intelligence, Alec or sometimes his colleagues come down, cross the street and settle in a stress-free environment.

After a few months of regular and desperate orders of espresso, they've become friends, Alec-the-stressed-journalist and Magnus-the-Pandemonium-coffee-shop-owner. Over the past months, Magnus has taught Alec to appreciate some drinks other than coffee as dark as his soul and he's learned to decipher Alec's mood based on his order. In return, Alec has revealed to him how he gets his - sometimes sensitive - information and how he protects his sources from potential repercussions.

Magnus even helped his investigation once, so Alec treated him to dinner in a small and cheap but excellent restaurant to thank him, and they go there every so often now, when Magnus' shifts and Alec's hectic schedule match and allow them to take a few hours for themselves and their friendship.

"I'm celebrating Pandemonium's fifth anniversary tonight," Magnus suddenly says, "We're closing a bit early and I'll order pizzas for the staff and a few regulars. If you're free, you're welcome to join us. Simon promised to bring some of the leftover hamantaschen his mom made for Purim."

Regret seizes Alec before Magnus even finishes his explanation. If only he'd talked about it a few days ago!

"I actually can't tonight," he says, his voice thick. "I'm... going on a date."

"Oh," Magnus deflates, sounding a bit disappointed as he stares at his painted fingernails, "Alright. Have fun, then. Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

"I won't," Alec promises, "To be honest, I already know I won't have fun either."

"Why don't you cancel?" Magnus asks, his brows furrowing, "You don't have to go through with this and ruin your evening..."

"He's the son of my father's co-worker," Alec explains in a sigh. "It was hard enough for my dad to come to terms with my homosexuality so if he tries to play matchmaker, I can only encourage him, you know?"

Magnus bites his lip.

"Not if you don't feel comfortable going out with that dude," he says. "Alexander, this is _your_ love life, not your father's."

"I know... but it's only one date. It won't go any further than that."

Magnus raises his hands in defeat but he's frowning, clearly displeased on Alec's behalf. Sometimes he wishes he could be more like Magnus, free and strong enough to protect his freedom despite the external pressure and nonsense of people.

"And you're going dressed like this?" Magnus asks him out of the blue as his eyes narrow, going as far as to glance under the table to check out Alec's pants and shoes. "All in black?"

"What's wrong with black?"

"Nothing, it suits you. You just look like you'll be attending a funeral, not going on a date."

Story of his life.

"It's kinda the same," Alec groans, startling a laugh out of Magnus' throat. "What? It's true! I hate dating!"

  


  


Oh, he really, really does hate dating. Jonathan Morgenstern is an ass right from the start, when he shoves his coat into the waitress' arms and tells her to _fucking deal with this shit_. He orders Alec's food without consulting him, the prick, and he doesn't even blink when Alec tells him he doesn't eat meat. Jonathan ordered a fancy Pavé Steak for him, complete with a Roquefort sauce and a huge baked potato, which turns out to be the only thing Alec eats when his plate arrives, along with the lettuce that surrounds it. He doesn't say anything but does file the events in his mind carefully, already planning on bitching to his father about Morgenstern Jr.

Alec doesn't even get to claim his right to a dessert after this failure of a main course, for Jonathan apparently follows a tight schedule and has other plans, dragging Alec outside after making him pay half the note - for a dish he didn't actually eat nor like. He is boiling with rage by now but his fury reaches new heights when Jonathan pins him against the wall outside the restaurant and tries to kiss him while his hands rest on his hips.

Alec sees red. He slams his knee into Jonathan's crotch, makes him howl in pain and damn, _that_ feels good. He brings his knee up again just to be sure and abandons Jonathan on the sidewalk where he's cursing Alec and all his descendants while clutching his smashed balls. Alec feels pretty awesome.

He doesn't go home. Instead, he strides across the streets, as fast as he can, until he arrives in front of a familiar coffee shop where the lights are still on and the sound of music carries quietly outside the building. He opens the door, barely hears the little bells that announce his arrival above the music, and Magnus suddenly appears in his face, eyeliner sharp as ever and hair sporting blue highlights that weren't there earlier. He's a sight for sore eyes.

"Hey," Magnus says, sounding surprised but glad to see him there, before he stares at him and his expression turns soft and sympathetic, "That awful?"

"You can't even imagine," Alec answers with a tiny smile, genuine now that he's surrounded with friends - Simon is dancing on a table, Maia is eating ice-cream with Madzie, Raphael is refilling Catarina's glass with what appears to be prosecco...

There are several regular customers other than him at this small party and Alec has already seen most of them but he doesn't know their names, and it doesn't really matter. Everybody seems content, glad to spend a nice evening, and it makes the last vestiges of anger that run under his skin vanish.

"I suppose you don't have any pizza left?" he asks bashfully when his stomach grumbles in protest against the lone baked potato he ate. "I'm... starving."

Magnus grins, grabs his hand and leads him behind the counter, into the kitchen where he snatches thick mitts from a hook to protect his hands.

"I was secretly hoping you would come by," Magnus admits, "so I kept your pizza in the oven for you. I chose a vegetarian one because I didn't know if you usually order a regular one and just remove the ham so... I hope it's okay."

"It's perfect," Alec breathes out and truly, it is.

  


  


IV.

Alec settles into his seat and Raj sits next to him, the two of them only separated by the bottle of water Raj bought before they entered the room to see their movie. Rocketman. Alec is thrilled to finally have found time to watch Elton John's movie, about a singer he loves and with actors who are so talented they make everything seem so real and right, and Taron Egerton _is_ Elton John, there's no other word.

The experience is fantastic, although slightly diminished by Raj's presence, to be honest. He seems like an alright guy but Alec can't quite decide on that since they don't speak during the movie, in order to enjoy it better... and Alec keeps his mouth shut when in fact, he'd love nothing more than to sing softly under his breath, along to his favourite songs that were included in the movie. He totally would, if he wasn't sitting next to a perfect stranger - well, not quite, since they met each other at Jace's birthday. Not that they spoke much or that Alec felt any spark ignite between them on that day... but Jace told him to try.

Anyway, Alec doesn't sing, doesn't even whisper the lyrics nor tap his foot at the rhythm of the songs, a bit scared of being judged for being an enthusiastic fan of Elton's, and this whole situation does feel a bit awkward. After all, he's sitting in the dark next to a man he knows nothing about, except that he's Jace's friend from that one weird time he worked as a summer camp counsellor - and, also, that Raj likes Elton John's music enough to watch a whole movie dedicated to his life.

After the movie, they enter the bar next to the theatre. Alec chooses to consider it is because they are both thirsty and deserve a cool drink but he's pretty sure Raj suggested it so their date wouldn't end too abruptly. Alec is not sure how or when a date ends, actually. How do you feel like now's the right time to say goodbye? How do you say goodbye without giving out the vibe that you're fleeing the battlefield? The fact that Alec is willing to compare a date with a battlefield probably says a lot about his opinion on dating.

"Did you like the movie?" Raj asks as they wait for their drinks.

"Yes," Alec squeaks, suddenly nervous.

He could give a thousand of positive reviews to Rocketman, never be at a loss for words if he was telling his siblings or his colleagues or Magnus about the movie and now, facing the one man who saw the picture with him... Nothing comes out. He has a lot of favourite scenes though, loads of feelings to discuss - but he's afraid of the vulnerability that already grabs at his guts at the mere thought of opening up to Raj and being judged for who he is and what he likes.

"The actors were excellent," Raj starts again with a smile once the waiter has put their glasses in front of them, and he's trying, really trying to make this a nice evening and get Alec to relax enough to share his opinion on the movie.

It isn't working.

"Yes," Alec says. "Uh... Yes, really good."

"And Reid was a dick, I never knew about that!"

"Yes," Alec squeaks again.

Ragnor would be ashamed of his journalist. Alec has worked before on the topic of managers who abused the stars they were in charge of, emotionally, financially or otherwise. He could discuss the ways Elton John's manager ruined him and took advantage of his fame for hours, with a passionate digression about how the movie put forward the love there was between them at first - not a rock 'n roll star and his manager but a shy boy who found love in the arms of a man who admired him. It makes Alec's heart long for something like this and sadly, his heart isn't pointing at Raj.

"This isn't working, is it?" the latter softly asks when he realises that Alec is a nervous wreck, his voice calm and even slightly amused.

"I... I guess not," Alec utters, relieved to see that Raj doesn't sound nor appear to be mad at him. "Sorry."

Raj shrugs.

"Don't apologise," he says, "It happens."

They finish their drinks in a comfortable companionship: now that Alec is aware that Raj won't ask for a second date, he feels himself relax and if he wanted, maybe he could even get started on that conversation about Rocketman. Raj soon stands up though, pats his shoulder and thanks him for his time.

By the time Alec goes home, he's received three texts, one from Izzy asking if he's down for Chinese food and a Harry Potter marathon at her place next weekend, and two from Jace who's being a nosy brother and wants to know everything about his date with Raj. With a huge sigh, Alec dials his brother's number.

"Sooooo?!" Jace exclaims as soon as he takes the call, "How was your date? Good? Are you seeing him again? When, where? Tell me everything!"

"I would," Alec snorts, "if you would just shut up for a second."

"Come on!" Jace urges him on.

"The movie was amazing," his brother says, plopping down on his couch and closing his eyes as he throws his head back to lean on the fluffy cushions behind him, "but that's the only one I'll see with Raj."

A few seconds of silence echo painfully on the other end of the line. Eventually, Jace sighs.

"Raj is so nice though..." he says with sadness, sounding as if he is already mourning the loss of a relationship that didn't even start between his friend and his big brother.

"He is," Alec admits easily enough, "but he's not the one, Jace."

New pause, pregnant and filled with more hesitation than the previous silence on Jace's part. Whatever his brother has to say, Alec already knows that he isn't going to like it.

"Alec..." Jace begins, probably biting his lip as he thinks of the best words to use so that his brother won't get mad - or depressed. "Love isn't what you read in books and see in movies. Maybe you won't know that a guy is _the one_ before you give him a chance, a real chance, it's... Real love's hard to come by. Don't... don't waste your time waiting for something like love at first sight; you should date, go out there, meet people!"

Alec feels his eyes sting at his brother's words. He's... he's a hopeless romantic, he knows that, he dreams of long strolls on the beach, of stargazing on the hood of a car next to his boyfriend, of a wedding with vows that make everybody cry and a love so strong that it endures the years and hardships to still be genuine after forty years, as pure and unbridled as it was on day one. He knows love isn't always peaceful, it comes with its ups and downs but what he wants is a person who'll be willing to go through these hand in hand with him, a person he'll fall for, hard and harder with each morning they wake up together. He isn't asking for love at first sight either but... something sweet, yes, something that will feel natural, that won't make him sick with nerves just because he has to go out and meet that person.

"W... what use is it," Alec stammers around the lump in his throat, "to date someone I know I won't want by my side in six months? Why should I settle for anything less than exceptional? I know he's out there, Jace, I know there's someone waiting for me."

"It's a beautiful dream," Jace eventually sighs, "but it might be just that. A dream."

  


  


Alec doesn't sleep well that night and he wakes with circles around his eyes that are much darker than the black coffee he drinks before he leaves his apartment and heads for the office. There, he can't focus on anything he's supposed to do, neither sending emails to schedule meetings with his sources nor proofreading the articles he'll turn in over the next week.

Jace's words still fill his brain and they break his heart. Is he wrong to seek love of a different kind than all the couples around him have, people who break up then go back together again, who argue over a child once they get divorced, who live a miserable life trapped in a relation they don't have the strength or will to salvage anymore?

Fed up, Alec slams his laptop shut, grabs his files and his phone and storms out of the office he shares with Helen who watches him go with wide, concerned eyes. He doesn't stop to reassure her. _He_ needs comfort and in his mind, there is no doubt as to where he will find it, so he crosses the street and welcomes the familiar warmth of Pandemonium with joy - he's sorely disappointed when Magnus turns out to be... nowhere in sight.

"Just a cookie," Alec whispers to Simon when the younger man asks what he'd like to have today.

Simon makes a face akin to that of Helen before when he hears the dejection in his tone, so Alec hurries to settle at a table in a corner, not bothering to wait for his cookie. He doesn't want to explain to Simon that he feels like an idiot for believing in love and that he wants to cry because Magnus isn't there. He takes a deep breath and spreads his files in front of him, hoping to get some work done... until a tray with a cookie and a mug of hot chocolate appears on the table.

"I didn't order anything to drink," Alec points out when he looks up to Simon.

Except that the person who brought the tray isn't Simon but Magnus and his heart flips over.

"You seemed to be in a hot chocolate mood," Magnus states with a shrug while he sits in front of Alec and pushes the mug toward him, "I was in the kitchen and I heard you come in, but you didn't sound like you normally do. So, what's wrong?"

The question breaks the dam that managed to keep Alec's eyes dry since the previous evening, as it seems, and Magnus' whole face falls.

"I'm so sorry," he says when traitorous tears spill down his friend's cheeks, "I didn't mean to..."

"It's me," Alec mutters, shaking his head before he wipes his eyes and sniffles, "I'm an idiot, I shouldn't be crying like this..."

Magnus watches him in silence though, doesn't tell him that he's a fool, and his gaze is so soft and sad on his behalf that the words suddenly spill from Alec's lips without his conscious authorisation. He tells him about his date with Raj and his conversation with Jace on the phone, how his brother pushes him to date instead of waiting to find the right one and how anxious it makes him feel.

"He thinks I should have made more of an effort," Alec finishes, feeling miserable, "Maybe I should have, for all the dates I've been on... but I can't, Magnus. All these times, I just wanted to run away and go home, to never be bothered with these guys again!"

"You're more of a love at first sight kind of guy?" Magnus guesses gently.

"Not... not necessarily," Alec answers on a quiet tone, exhausted and his eyes still wet. "I just need... You know, the big epiphany, the _holy crap I'm in love with him_ moment, with a person I trust and know, not because we've been dating and there are expectations that come with it but... I want the kind of love that will shake me to my core, with a person I trust, someone I can be vulnerable around and not _feel_ vulnerable. Does that make sense?"

"Basically, you want a friend first," Magnus concludes, squeezing Alec's hand that is wrapped around his mug, and the way he stares at him afterwards holds a significance that Alec misses. "It is okay to want all of that, Alexander, it doesn't make you stupid. Love _exists_ and one day, I know it will find you. It will sweep you off your feet when you least expect it and that day, you won't panic, you won't have to make an effort - your heart will burst and you won't get enough."

Alec smiles, his lashes wet and sticky as his eyelids flutter, and he gently detaches Magnus' hand from his own to entwine their fingers.

"Thank you," he whispers, his heart and fingertips warm. "Thank you so much."

  


  


V.

Victor doesn't even bother to show up at the pub where Alec and he were supposed to meet up around a beer. Helen apologises a hundred times the next day on her neighbour's behalf but frankly, Alec doesn't care. He called Magnus when he realised that Victor wouldn't come and they spent a peaceful evening together, discussing plans for a weekend getaway in Lisbon.

The time he had with Magnus was certainly way better than anything Victor could have had to offer.

  


  


VI.

"Are you busy after five?" Magnus asks on the phone, sounding more excited than anyone has the right to be at half past six in the morning.

"I don't chink cho," Alec answers around his toothbrush, "Why? Why are you up cho early? You're not a morning perchon..."

"Today, I am! So, can I pick you up at the office at five?"

Alec cranes his neck to keep his phone pressed between his cheek and shoulder as he spits in the sink.

"I guess, yeah. Were are we going?"

"It's a surprise," Magnus says, "but I know you'll love it. See you later, darling!"

  


  


Alec won't lie, he's curious to know where Magnus is taking him. He asks about it as soon as he gets in his friend's car but all he obtains is a vague _you'll see_. Alec threatens to sulk during the whole drive up until they reach their destination but Magnus only snorts, so he gives up. He usually doesn't deal well with surprises, afraid not to like whatever was prepared and disappoint the person who's planning the surprise in the first place but... this is Magnus, his friend, his best friend, and the person who knows him best, save for his family. Well, on some points, Magnus knows him even better than them.

Alec decides to trust him. When they arrive and park in front of an animal shelter, Alec looks at Magnus with question marks in his eyes, as well as the beginning of a smile on his lips.

"I want to adopt a rescue cat," Magnus reveals with a grin, "and since you love cats, I want you to help me choose him or her. So... Do you like my surprise?"

Alec is out of the car faster than Magnus, who laughs as he follows suit. Maybe the cat is meant for Magnus but Alec is as excited as a kid in a candy store, cooing at every kitty he sees under his friend's fond and tender gaze. There are so many cats that they don't know which one to pick and they have to walk up to each animal twice, searching for the one that will make Magnus' heart melt.

Eventually, when Alec feels something soft and careful paw at his calf, he looks down - and he knows he's just found the one. He's a tiny ball of grey fur, with the kind of blue eyes you only see on the pages of cats calendars, and he's looking at Alec with so much wonder in his gentle eyes that the young man doesn't have a choice: he carefully lifts the little cat, allow him to rub the top of his tiny head underneath his chin, and he's immediately taken.

"This one," he tells Magnus - it's not a question but a statement and judging by the way his friend's eyes sparkle and shine at the sight of this small kitten, he's made the good decision.

Alec is mindful of the cat's ribcage as he hands him to Magnus, who holds him just as carefully against his chest before he lets out a sound that is part awe and part tenderness; his left hand is gentle and cautious as he caresses the cat's little nose, goes up between his eyes with his fingertips and finally, scratches his ears. The kitty purrs, leans into Magnus' touch, and the young man looks up to grin at Alec.

And this is it, the world-shattering moment that makes so much sense to him. Magnus holds the cat as he would a baby, already so full of attention for this tiny creature he's seeing for the first time, and this is so representative of who he is as a person that it makes Alec's heart roar. There is a spark in Magnus, a little something that brightens the place he walks in, that illuminates Alec's everyday life - a little something that he wants to hold close to his heart forever. Holy crap. He's in love with Magnus.

The revelation startles a laugh out of him and Magnus adverts his eyes from the cat to look at his friend. Alec feels giddy with this new knowledge, thinks back to their conversation about love, to the feelings of _right_ and _belonging_ he feels whenever they're together and maybe, just maybe he should have connected some dots earlier than tonight.

"I want to kiss you," he tells Magnus, boldness and happiness destroying the doubts and fears that used to claw at his stomach whenever he was out with someone before, and this is Magnus, home and trust and care all at once. "Can I?"

The surprise on his friend's face lasts for a grand total of three seconds, then it morphs into excitement and joy as he blinks and realises that Alec is far from joking.

"I thought you'd never ask," Magnus says in a breath, before he cups Alec's cheek with one hand and brings their mouths together.

It isn't slow nor hesitant, nothing like Alec would have imagined their first kiss to be. Instead, their lips are bold and hungry and they feel like two lovers who have been separated for a long time and have finally found each other again, sinking into a reassuring sense of intimacy through the touch of their mouths and hands.

A quiet meow interrupts them, followed by the bumping of a soft and fluffy head beneath their chins. Lips swollen and eyes blown, Alec backs away slowly, a bit dazed still, and he smiles down at the cat who doesn't seem pleased to be forgotten... unless he just wants in with the hug.

"Demanding little thing," Magnus coos, "You're perfect."

_Perfect_ is also the word Alec would use to describe this moment as Magnus' fingers slide from his face, down to his hand that he holds as if it were the most valuable treasure in the world. It is, in a way, because through his hand he's mostly holding his heart. When Alec entwines their fingers, he swears he can feel Magnus' own heartbeat.

"How long?" he asks, and he doesn't need to explain his question.

"Since the day you came into Pandemonium looking like a drenched cat and in desperate need of a hot drink," Magnus answers.

"That's... the day we met," Alec realises with a gasp, remembering the downpour three years ago when he traded his office for the cosy coffee shop across the street for the first time. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Oh, I had a thousand wild dreams about asking you out that day," Magnus confesses with a smile and a shrug, "and then you kept coming and we started talking, I helped with your investigation that one time, we became friends... I didn't want to ruin what we had. Especially when you told me how you felt about dates and love..."

"You said I needed a friend first," Alec remembers all of a sudden, a smile blooming on his lips. "You were right. I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out."

"It doesn't matter," Magnus tells him as he adjusts his grip around the cat, who's tentatively licking at the silver cuff on his ear. "I enjoyed every minute I've spent with you before, as friends."

"Do you think you would enjoy being my boyfriend just as much?" Alec asks.

The question feels natural - long overdue, even. They've known each other for three years and have been friends for almost as long, building a relation based on trust and comfort around each other, so the kissing and hand-holding are just a bonus, something that transcends what they already had before Alec came to his senses.

Magnus lifts their joined hands.

"What do you think?" he shots back with a grin, "Of course I would, Alexander."

He didn't really doubt it but somehow, the confirmation is all Alec needs to understand that each of his past and bad experiences were worth it, because they've led him straight into Magnus' arms, where he was supposed to be from the start. He squeezes his boyfriend's hand, feels no shame nor hesitation when he lets go and wraps his arm around Magnus' waist instead.

"So, is this our first date?" Alec asks in wonder.

If it is, then it's the first time he goes on a date without feeling anxious or about to puke. Proof, if need be, that he was right whenever he begged his family and co-workers to stop getting him dates and told them that he would find the one without their help. Magnus was right there but Alec was so stressed about dating and what he _should_ be doing that he completely overlooked who was waiting for him with open arms.

"No," Magnus laughs, shaking his head, "You loathe dates."

"I think I could learn to enjoy them," Alec says and feels the truth of that statement in the warmth inside his belly, "With you, I could."

The flecks of amber in Magnus' eyes light up as he turns to him and his gaze is an open door to the world of emotions and feelings he keeps inside him, all of them focused on Alec for now and finding their mirror into hazel eyes. Maybe this is their first date or maybe they've been on plenty of dates unaware, it doesn't really matter either way. What matters is that Magnus was right, love _exists_ and right now, love is theirs to explore and protect, and Alec already knows he'll never get enough of it.

  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
